Skins - You can't fix yourself by fixing this.

Skins: 6x09 Mini and Franky.

I think I broke something this time. 

Franky: Remember when I had a distinctive, consistent personality, part of which was being an artist? Looking through my fingers in the tender light of the morning, I seem to remember…

Mini: is under the covers. 

Franky: drops the thought, joins Mini under the covers. 

Chris, Jal, Michelle: This seems vaguely familiar? 

Franky: We should go outside because this is making us look eccentric and weird. Plus it’s starting to smell a bit like vagina in here. 

Michelle: Nope, the magic is gone. 

Franky, Mini: driving the point home - NOT INTO VAGINA. 

Mini’s pregnant belly: pretty obvious now. 

Apparently, exams have come and gone, and Mini hasn’t left the house or even her bed for a while. 

Mini and Franky: are being cute, Franky goes downstairs to make breakfast. 

Emily: This seems kind of familiar? 

Shelley + life partner: return from some kind of holiday in ridiculous clothes. 

Shelley: I see chaos and destruction, and a scantily clad girl in my kitchen! ERIC, STOP FUCKING CLEANING!

Franky: Please don’t go upstairs, Mini… doesn’t feel well. 

Shelley: I haven’t been interested in my daughter for months, but now that the opportunity arises to blame her for drunkenness, I must fulfil my parental responsibility!

Franky: MINI WE ARE ABOUT TO BE FOUND OUT! YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE COMING UP THIS VERY MOMENT! DUCK!

Franky: runs upstairs to hide Mini’s pretty obvious pregnant belly with everything she has. 

Shelley: This bed smells of vagina! 

Awkwardness. 

Shelley: I’ll have a beer and when I’m back I want you and any signs of lesbianism gone. 

Franky: Okay. 

Later, breakfast table. 

Nick: stalks, via phone. 

Franky: ignores. For a bit. Until it gets too annoying, as per usual.  

Franky: I didn’t pick up because I didn’t want to talk to you, which I’ve told you countless times before, and yet you keep ringing. It is almost as if you intentionally misunderstood every single thing I say. Gotta go. YES I KNOW THAT YOU LOVE ME. Note how I don’t say it back. 

Matty: stalks, via backyard. 

Mini: drops kitchenware. 

Franky: He’s been there for a while. He’s brought all his belongings. Sometimes at night he recites lines from Sartre’s Huis Clos, which is ironic because it’s about a couple of people who don’t even like each other stuck in a room together for eternity. I think that probably also somewhat applies to our situation, group-wise. 

Mini: Can’t you get rid of him somehow? He unsettles me. 

Franky: Actually, no. He will literally follow us wherever we go. Which I find appropriately weird, but also STRANGELY ALLURING, because I guess that’s what it says in my character description. 

Franky and Mini: try to get to Mini’s appointment. 

Matty: stalks. 

Franky: He can’t own me!

Matty: I don’t want to! I just want to always be with you, and, like, keep you from being with other people, and recite Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir to you until you finally understand the profoundness of my feelings! 

Mini: lags behind. 

Matty: You’re fucking him because he’s a safer version of me. 

Everyone: The word “safe” in that context is probably not the best choice of words, mate. 

Mini: lags behind, doubles over. 

Franky: He is better at sex AND doesn’t know who Simone de Beauvoir is, so that makes him marginally better than you.  Also, Mini needs me. 

Matty: sums up the entire episode in one sentence, is being a dick. 

Franky: I am trying to get my friend to her appointment!

Matty: You’re not doing a good job! She is practically dying back there!

Mini: is practically dying back there. 

Matty: is actually the worst. 

At the hospital.

Mini: worries. 

Music: is being quirky; annoying. 

Group of friends as mentioned above: wait without talking to each other. TENSION.

Alex: I don’t really know why I’m even hanging out with you people, you are all terrible. 

Matty: lurks, because he’s still technically on the run. 

Alo: is late, and panicky. 

Matty: Hi Alo. 

Alo: This is only the first surprise of many, I bet. 

Everyone: Heh. 

Alo: THIS IS ABOUT ME ME ME. 

Franky: is being appropriate because it’s a fucking hospital. 

Alo: isn’t. 

Alo: stalks. 

Secretary: successfully prevents stalking, is a responsible adult, provides much-needed perspective. 

Alo: She’s my girlfriend!

Awesome person: OH MY GOD, LIKE, REALLY?!

Mini: calls Grace, because her alive friends are actually the worst. 

Jessica Sula: sadly wasn’t booked for the episode. 

Examination room.

Doctor: I am a medical professional! And blatantly incompetent! I put my shirt on backwards this morning. 

Writer of the episode: remembers that Mini used to have issues with her body image. 

Doctor: manages to somehow blame all of this on Mini, because he is blatantly incompetent. 

Mini: You are actually the worst. 

John Foster: Nope. 

Freddie: …

Cook: …

Doctor: Anyway, blatant incompetence aside, she is totally fine. Unless you decide to go on an adventure trip or move into a barn or dance around a lot without any reason or listen to really horrific early 1990s music.

Mini: I didn’t really hear anything after “she”. 

Doctor: Fuck, sorry. 

Waiting room.

Nick: arrives late, realizes that Matty has returned, and immediately tries to beat him up for some inexplicable reason. 

Matty: I didn’t call you, my only remaining available family member, because I solely came back to recite Existential literature to Franky. 

Nick, accurately: You were dumped fucking months ago, mate, take a hint. 

A fight: breaks out. 

Alo: uses the opportunity to sneak into the examination room, sees the ultrasound. 

Mini: Alo! This is your opportunity to prove you are not a child and able to face this with me!

Alo: vomits. 

Shelley: arrives, realizes. 

Alo: runs for his actual life. 

Waiting room.

Alo: THIS IS ABOUT ME! 

Everyone: No, actually…

Alo: She’s just ruined my fucking life!

Everyone: Well, you know…

Matty: uses the opportunity to ask Franky about her feelings for Nick. 

Franky: is conflicted. 

Everyone: is sad. 

Examination room.

Shelley: If you’d said earlier, we could have made arrangements. 

Mini: I didn’t want to get an abortion. 

Doctor: Let me, at this point, just reiterate once more that you need stability and support, which from what I’ve seen so far of your friends and family, is probably not really available, is it? 

The fight: continues.

At Mini’s. 

Alo: What upsets me the most is that you told somebody who wasn’t me, mostly because I don’t know that you didn’t actually tell anyone – Franky guessed and Liv beat the living shit out of you, which doesn’t seem to have had any particular repercussions? 

Mini: I don’t care what anyone thinks. I care what you think. And I tried to tell you but you were having sex with a thirteen-year-old, and in prison for having sex with a child, and then you just hung out at playgrounds a lot and got drunk which was kind of weird and not very reassuring.

Alo: THIS IS ABOUT ME ME ME. 

Mini: Tell me it will be okay? 

Alo: …

Shelley: I think it’s time you fucked off, Alo. 

…

Shelley: It’s gonna be fine. I promise. 

Doug: Actually, Shelley…

At Franky’s

Nick: stalks, has been beaten up.

Nick: Do you love me, Franky? 

Franky: Yes. Will you go away if I say yes? 

Nick: Tell the police about Matty. 

Franky: The fuck? 

Nick: I don’t even know. I guess my never-ending love and devotion to you overwrite the brotherly love. 

Franky: The fuck? 

Nick: He gets what he deserves, and we get to be together. 

Everybody: The fuck? 

Mini’s.

Mini: puts away childish things. 

Shelley: I have decided to start the adoption process. 

This: would actually be sound and rational parenting, had she actually included Mini in the process.

Mini: No. 

Franky: stalks at an opportune moment. 

Outside.

Franky: Do you wanna go somewhere? Anywhere. 

Naomi: Um…

Franky: panics when Mini mentions the adoption. 

Franky: Let’s run away, go on an adventure, dance randomly, you know, raise the kid together and stuff. 

Mini: Maybe this isn’t going to be as bad for her as it was for you? Maybe she’ll be happier? 

Jeff: Sorry to interrupt this private moment but I think I remember giving a really heartening speech a couple of episodes ago? About how good parents don’t necessarily need to be biologically related to their kid? And about how fiercely I and Geoff love you, Franky? 

Writer: looks through notes. 

Writer: Nope. Can’t find anything, sorry. Who are you?

Jeff: goes away, crying.

Franky: We’ll go places and take pictures and then she’ll know how much you loved her. 

Mini: … I guess?  

Emergency hostel: is sketchy.

Franky: rings, knows how to play the system.

Hostel manager: shows sketchy room, tries to kick Franky out. 

Writer: trolls. 

Hostel manager: She doesn’t meet the criteria. AT LEAST NOT OUTWARDLY. 

Franky: We are lesbian lovers. 

Hostel manager: You are too pretty to be gay, also, lesbians can’t procreate. 

Franky: That is both insulting and factually wrong, but somehow I’m the bad guy in the situation so I’ll let that slide. 

Hostel manager: Whatever. You’ll get raped if you unlock the door! BYE!!

Mini: hilariously pees into the sink. 

Franky: Partyyyy!

Doctor: I know that I have mentioned countless times how utterly rubbish I am, but the part about not dancing and stuff was actually serious. 

Mini: is in pain. 

Doctor: Told ya. 

Franky: I know that you might be dying at this very moment or perhaps at least seriously endangering the health of our baby, but you’re happy, right? 

Mini: y… yeah?

Writer: trolls. Graduates in trolling, teaches advanced course in trolling. Becomes the fucking president of trolling. 

Shippers: No seriously, fuck you. 

Bodies: contact.

Franky: Do you miss Alo? 

Mini: Maybe sometimes at night. 

Franky: The sex?

Mini: More the afterwards. I miss being held. 

Franky: misses cue. 

Mini: Franky, have you dumped Nick?

Franky: I don’t wanna keep hurting him. 

Mini: Is it Matty? Are you still in love with him? 

Franky: He makes me feel like I’ve got no control. 

Mini: Isn’t that what love feels like?

Freddie: Yeah, look where it got me!

Franky: I don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with that word. I don’t know what it means. 

Mini: I don’t get it, Franky. It’s like you’re being offered everything. But nothing’s good enough. No one’s good enough. 

Matty: I can spontaneously elaborate on why Camus is a superior writer but an inferior existentialist!

Nick: I am good at sex! Love me back!

Luke: I am a drug-dealing sociopath and I raped you!

No one: ever talks about Luke though. 

Alo: I don’t have anything to contribute but I thought I’d drop by because the conversation has steered away from me. 

Mini: See, you have options. I have a boyfriend who vomited because of an ultrasound and statutory-raped a thirteen-year-old pixie. 

No one: ever talks about Poppy though, except Lock-in and I don’t think anybody ever goes there because it’s sad to think about the people whose job that is.

Franky: This baby, it’s like she wipes everything clean. 

Mini: With the boys? 

Franky: With everything. You know, like, she’ll grow up and invent a time machine in which I don’t get into that car and then Matty won’t chase me and then Grace won’t die and I won’t have to feel guilty all the time and maybe she’ll cure cancer or something, or maybe she could go back even further and make my mother stay, which is really the reason why we are all here. And maybe she can prevent Skynet from going online and find a way for Donna Noble to have her memory returned without her mind melting, too. 

Mini: Uh oh. 

Franky: Maybe I can put it all right again. 

Mini: I’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE. 

The farm.

Rich: Ring her. 

Alo: is being a child because he already called her and now it’s her turn. 

Rich, hilariously making light of statutory rape: Have you turned into a 13-year-old girl or just fucked one, Alo?

Alo: Them’s the rules. 

Rich: SHE IS PREGNANT WITH YOUR CHILD. 

Alo: I DON’T ACTUALLY WANT THAT CHILD. 

Rich, hilariously: You said you couldn’t even wank because you felt so sad. 

Franky: Now with that vivid description, I definitely see the appeal of this “love” thing you all keep talking about.

JJ: Love is an illusion that can’t last and congratulations on the proper use of air quotes.  

Alo: I miss her, man. But her, as she was before. You know, before she was pregnant with my baby. Perhaps I could travel back in time and use a condom…

Rory Pond: Actually, funny story – I once didn’t use a condom WHILE travelling in time and…

River Song: Spoilers!

Rich: Sometimes I think about what would have happened if me and Grace had had a baby. 

Alo: Now who’s turned into a 13-year-old girl? 

Rich: I loved Grace more than anything else, ever. And you feel the same way about Mini, right? And you want to be with her all the time, almost like it hurts when you’re not, right? 

Alo: Yes, I really love her, except her personality and her wishes and her dreams. 

Grace: bangs her head against a cloud. Which is futile when you think about it. 

Rich: You should be happy that you’ve got that chance. 

Franky: I see. When I relate a traumatic event in my past to make sense of this situation, I am somehow the weird stalker, but if you do the same, you’re the great, supportive friend, yeah? 

Rich: Yup. It’s sexist, but it’s also a moving tale about the fragility of life and the importance of using all the chances you get. 

Writer: Actually, it’s not sexism if a woman writes it. That’s the rules. 

Jal: Not to interfere in this meaningful moment of friendship and Alo’s grand revelation, but I would like to point out that one of the hardest things about losing someone you love at that age is the fact that the world does not stop for your grief. You don’t get to stand still and be nothing more than a provider of worldly insights for your friends while they make decisions about where they want to go and what they want to do – you need to make these decisions as well, because out there, nobody fucking cares what you lost and what your individual wounds are. So basically, what I’m telling you, Rich, is snap the fuck out of it. 

Rich: Okay. Just let me drink a bottle of vodka by my girlfriend’s grave first. 

Jal: sighs, gives up. 

Alo: calls Mini. 

Franky: deletes call after realizing it endangers her makeshift family. 

People who don’t get it: That bitch! She should have died! I hope she’s killed in a tragic bus accident next week!

Writers: take notes. 

Next morning, shady hostel.

Manager: Life partner, can you make me a coffee so I can figure out what the fuck is wrong with your pregnant girlfriend? 

Franky: Sure. Just don’t give her any ideas. 

Manager: So what I’ve noticed is that you don’t really resemble any of the people who usually come here and I’ve decided at this point in time to kick you out. I hope you brought umbrellas, lesbians, cause it’s pouring!

Franky: You are actually the worst. 

Outside, where it’s pouring.

Mini: What now? 

Franky: How much money do you have? 

Spencer Hastings: What I would suggest in this situation is either blackmail or theft of family jewellery. Either way, you should have a roof over your head in no time. 

Franky: What I thought we could do is go to Oxford where I know a boy who threatened to set fire to someone and also a couple of people who severely bullied me. I’m sure any one of them will allow us to raise our child in their parents’ garage. 

Spencer: You’re actually really terrible at this, aren’t you? 

Mini: I’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE. 

Bus station.

Franky: Two singles to Oxford. I have three pounds and a button. 

Mini: I think this is where it ends. 

Franky: ignores. 

Franky: I’m still trying to figure out why, between all the obsessed stalkery people on this show, I am suddenly the severely damaged and weird one. 

Writer: Mostly it’s to make the paedo with the Peter Pan complex look better by comparison. 

Alo: Did it work? 

Mini: You can’t fix yourself by fixing this. It’s fucked up. Also, your problems aren’t my baby’s problems. 

Alo: Yay, looking good. 

Eric: appears out of nowhere to provide insights and perspective and grown-up stuff. 

Eric: I can’t make promises I can’t keep, love, but I can promise she loves you. 

Doug: That’s how you do it!

Franky: She needs me. 

Eric: What exactly has this got to do with you? 

Franky: EVERYTHING. 

Alo: So that’s settled then? 

Back at Mini’s.

Shelley: I once thought you’d died and then it turned out you didn’t. This somehow relates to this situation – “Everyone else is just stupid”. 

Mini: I love you and I’m keeping the baby. 

Shelley: I know. 

Franky: runs away. 

Chris, Freddie: This seems oddly familiar…

Mini: Gracie. I thought that maybe now I’m home I’d feel less alone. I wish… I wish Alo knew. I just need him to know… I love him, Gracie. 

Alo: SUCCESS!!

Mini: Why do I leave you all these stupid fucking messages? You’re not there. You won’t ever be there. I love you, Gracie. Do something. 

Rich kidnaps Mini with a taxi and takes her somewhere. 

Doctor: Remember what I told you? 

Mini: Nope. 

Mini: walks up to a barn. 

Alo: WELCOME TO OUR HUMBLE ABODE. There might not be heating or running water, and the fact that my dog has been conspicuously absent this season and the fate of one of my family’s cows point towards a somewhat bumpy start to the whole responsibility thing, but in my head, this barn looks rather beautiful. This is where you can prepare me meals. This is where the baby will die of hypothermia, and it smells a bit like balls, but…

Mini: Stop talking. 

Mini and Alo: are kissing. 

MC Hammer: inexplicably starts playing. 

Doctor: ERM, not to somehow destroy this intimate moment but…

Cliffhanger: appears. Also, blood.

Jess: I always used to break Jamie’s toys when we were kids. 

Jamie: …

I haven’t slept in 30 hours. That’s an explanation, not an excuse.