My So-Called Life - Table of Contents

Pilot
Dancing in the Dark
Guns and Gossip
Father Figures
The Zit
The Substitute
Why Jordan Can't Read
Strangers in the House
Halloween
Other People's Mothers
Life of Brian
Self-Esteem
Pressure
On the Wagon
So-Called Angels
Resolutions
Betrayal
Weekend
With Great Dreams Comes Great Responsibility

My So-Called Life - No, I meant every word.

My So-Called Life: 1x19 With Great Dreams Comes Great Responsibility.

In the dream I keep having about Jordan Catalano, I'm trying to catch up with him. But it's hard, because there's something wrong with the floor. Sometimes my father is there. Sometimes my great aunt Gertrude's funeral kind of gets mixed in with it. The end of the dream is always the same: I catch up with him. I yell and scream how he hurt and betrayed me. How I can never forgive him. He just stands there like someone caught in a storm who stopped caring how wet he gets. Then I wake up. The storm of words still pounds through my body. Hatred can become like food. It gives you this energy. You can live off it.

Thus begins the final episode of My So-Called Life.

This is one of my favourite voice-overs. The dream itself is a surprisingly accurate depiction of how dreams really are: things get mixed up, people get mixed up, the impossible rooms that defy the laws of physics – and emotionally, being confronted with unresolved conflicts again and again, haunted by them until you find some way to find closure. I like that Angela admits that there is a selfish aspect to leaving this conflict unresolved too: as long as she doesn’t confront Jordan, she can bask in her hatred (the word “hate” itself seems to me like a bit of an exaggeration, but it fits Angela’s character that she would choose it), she can continue to feel like the wronged victim of Jordan’s betrayal. (and Rayanne’s – isn’t it telling that she doesn’t even mention Rayanne?)

The underlying theme of the episode is the idea that dreams reveal unresolved conflicts, desires and fears. Patty dreams of a high school sweetheart just as she fears that her marriage might be in danger (despite never openly mentioning to it). Delia dreams of Rickie and toys with the possibility of admitting her feelings. 

The next step is what the characters do once they become conscious of their dreams and interpret what they might mean. Delia asks Sharon if Rickie is even available (assuming that she would know because she is, like, friends with Rayanne Graff: “I'm not friends with Rayanne Graff. I'm not!” protests Sharon). Patty calls the guy, finding a plausible excuse because she is vaguely in the restaurant business and could help Hallie and Graham, who are just facing the daunting prospect of charming investors. Angela doesn’t really do anything, but surprisingly, Jordan tries to re-connect – by telling her everything that is new in his life (Frozen Embryos is Residue now…) – and Angela tries to ignore him because she isn’t willing to confront him, and she is even less ready to pretend that they are okay, that they can just pick up where they left off. Sharon is brilliant in the scene as a supportive friend – essentially shooting him a glare of death to make him go away. Also, Sharon’s dream: “Last night, I dreamed that Rayanne Graff and I were appearing in this water ballet together, for, like, charity.” She is receiving subconscious messages about being friends with Rayanne…

Brian – Angela - Jordan

The centre of the episode is another recent and unexpected relationship, though: Brian and Jordan. Brian accidentally stumbled into helping Jordan academically and if it weren’t for Angela, they could easily be friends, because both (without articulating it, but instinctually) realize that they are different enough to provide something important for each other – and I also get the sense from their scenes that they enjoy hanging out with each other because they’ve found this common level for communication. But then there’s Angela, so things aren’t simple.

Jordan: Forget the story. I can't think about some crappy story. My life sucks too much.
Brian: How come?
Jordan: Because she hates me. And I deserve it. You know who I mean, right?
Brian: Yeah.
Jordan: Today, after Katimski's, I tried to explain to her that I was, you know, sorry, or whatever.
Brian: So, what happened?
Jordan: Nothing. Uh, I didn't know what to say.
Brian: Say you're sorry. Wait, you can go up to any girl and get her phone number, yet
you're afraid to tell Angela Chase you're sorry?
Jordan: So?
Brian: Nothing. It's just ironic.
Jordan: Well, so what? What's ‘ironic’?
Brian: Um, when you realize the, like, component of weirdness in a situation.
Jordan: Help me, Brain. Help me figure out something good to say to Angela.
Brian: No. Look, you did an undefendable thing, okay? No one can change that. I mean, you have to live with it. It's like you created your own prison, and now you have to exist in it.
Jordan: That's perfect. Give me some more stuff like that.
Brian: No. No, absolutely not. The Phonics manual does not cover that type of situation.
Jordan: The Phonics manual?
Brian: I cannot be involved. Whatever you say or don't say to Angela Chase is completely between you and her.
Jordan: Okay. Relax. I'll figure it out myself.
Brian: Fine. That's actually fine. I mean…
Jordan: Good.
Brian: You figure out what you want to say to her, and I'll do some Calculus, and we'll just work independently.
Jordan: Deal.
Brian: What have you got so far?

There is so much to this, really: There’s Brian, who sincerely likes Jordan but knows that the only way their relationship will work if they keep Angela out of this. And then he voices this feeling he has, this frustration over being trapped with all his emotions without any chance of ever articulating them to Angela, and while he provides this perfect sentence for Jordan, he realizes that this is a way to do it sneakily without suffering the consequences. If he helps Jordan, he can finally lift this burden without any fall-out and he can tell himself that he is acting altruistically, helping a friend rather than being selfish. 

Jordan: I did an undefendable thing. I created my own prison. And I have to exist in it. Maybe I had a wish, or whatever, to punish you. An unconscious wish. You've heard of them, right?
Angela: Yeah, I think so. I can't believe what you just said was really amazing.
Jordan: I know.
Angela: Okay.
Jordan: Okay, what?
Angela: Okay, now we can have a serious talk.
Jordan: We just did.
Angela: Oh, come on, you can't hit a person with something that profound and expect that to be the end of the discussion.
Jordan: You can't?
[…]
Jordan: I was so close yesterday, but it wasn't enough. She's, like, starved or something. It's gotta be written down so I can't screw it up.
Brian: Well, so write her a letter.
…
Brian: No. No, I am not writing a letter to Angela Chase for you. I can't.

So Brian pens a letter, because of course he does. He also tells Rickie about the whole thing and Rickie is the emotionally most intelligent person around, so naturally he immediately exposes Brian’s hypocrisy and tells him that this isn’t selflessness. 

Rickie: Brian, I don't believe this. You're using Jordan Catalano.
Brian: What? He's using me.
Rickie: Yeah, but you're using him, too. To, like, express your true feelings towards Angela. Or whatever.
Brian: Oh my God, you're right.

The realization doesn’t keep him from writing the letter though. 

Dear Angela,

I know in the past I've caused you pain, and I'm sorry, and I'll always be sorry, until the day I die. And I hate this pen I'm holding, because I should be holding you. I hate this paper under my hand, because it isn't you. I even hate this letter, because it's not the whole truth.

Because the whole truth is so much more than a letter can even say. If you want to hate me, go ahead. If you want to burn this letter, do it. You could burn the whole world down. You could tell me to go to hell. I'd go, if you wanted me to. And I'd send you a letter from there.

Sincerely,

Jordan Catalano

Poor Brian. The only we he gets to apologize for the things he has done (and I think he thinks of being secretly in love with someone as a form of betrayal too) is by committing another betrayal. He witnesses the effect his words have on Angela in the most tragic way possible when she expresses that “there's so much more to this person than I ever dreamed!" (because this is basically what he has wanted Angela to realize about him for, like, forever). Jordan even tries to reveal to her that he didn’t actually write the letter but… Angela kisses him first. And Brian watches from his prison, trapped.

Rickie: Oh, so they're back together, huh?
Brian: Yep. Of course, she's still gonna die someday. We're all gonna die.
Rickie: Brian? Did you do something, or something? Brian, what did you do?
Brian: I wrote this letter... to her.
Rickie: Oh my God, and she thinks he wrote it? Brian, you have to tell her.
Brian: No, look. I mean, what difference does it make? So, they happen to be, like, together. So what? SO WHAT? I mean, if you, like, analyze why certain people end up with certain other people, it'll make you want to kill yourself.
Rickie: Tell her.
Brian: No, it wouldn't be right. See, he asked me for help. I helped him. I can't go back on that. 

This is also a sign that Brian has grown up a lot this year. The person we met at the beginning of the show – well, he wouldn’t be in the position of writing the letter in the first place, but he also would have taken any chance presented to him to reveal something negative about Jordan Catalano. Brian Krakow now has friends, and he understands the value of friendship. 

Patty

The episode also rather elegantly mirrors the Brian-Angela-Jordan triangle in Patty’s storyline. Not that Patty-Tony is exactly the same as Angela-Jordan – we really can’t predict how this may end, after all, considering that we still know so little about Jordan Catalano – but there is a sense that Angela, maybe for the first time, really understands something that Patty is going through when she prepares for her meeting with Tony. 

Danielle: So, do you love him more than you love Dad?
Angela: Danielle!
Patty: No, honey, that's okay.
Angela: No, it's a ridiculous question.
Danielle: Well, that kind of thing gives me nightmares.
Patty: What kind of thing?
Danielle: That you and Daddy could get divorced.
Angela: Danielle, she's gonna see him for one hour, to talk about restaurants.
Patty: Angela.
Angela: Well, I mean, a person can have feelings for someone, even if they're not, like, THE person any more.
Patty: Sweetie, Tony Poole is someone that I knew long, long ago.
Angela: Long, long ago. Like a fairy tale.
Patty: That's right. But he's not who I chose to make my life with. I chose your dad.
Angela: But did you, like, love him?
Patty: I'm not sure. With Tony, it was, it was crazy. We really did some pretty crazy and wild things back then. What can I say? But, uh, it's always tempting to lose yourself with someone, who's maybe lost themselves. But eventually, you want reality.
Danielle: That makes sense.

Angela understands this idea of feelings that don’t just disappear – this is the lesson she learned two episodes ago, when all this feeling of freedom came to nothing once Jordan slept with Rayanne. Patty explanation in part maybe fits Angela’s attraction to Jordan: this idea of “losing” yourself with someone, because so much of Angela’s earlier scenes with Jordan were about how little they share, how little of the Angela we saw in all her other relationships appeared when she was with him. And Danielle is utterly brilliant in this scene too because she realizes more than Angela that Patty and Graham are having problems, because she has them more attention. It also reveals a profound difference between the sisters: Angela is surrounded by friends who have broken families, and yet takes her own for granted; Danielle constantly fears that her family might fall apart. And then, after Graham reacts indifferently to the idea of his wife going on a date with an ex-boyfriend, Hallie of all people points out to him that it would be the more considerate reaction to pretend to be jealous. Hallie may be tragically in love, but she is also a fucking awesome mate – and we never see Graham with friends (his brother doesn’t count), so it just seems like a relief that he has a different outlet to articulate his feelings. A relief that is promptly undermined when they convince the investors and embrace in a moment of happiness and there is this tiny flutter of expectancy and excitement on her face (shout-out moment for Lisa Waltz! This show had such a perfect cast) before Graham barely restrains himself from kissing her, and afterwards they both know that this maybe won’t end well after all.

Rickie

Brian: Boy, she really likes you.
Rickie: I can't even believe it. I mean, it's such, like, an unfamiliar experience. I mean, do you realize how much easier my life would be... if I could just like her back? I mean, Brian, this could be my chance. To be straight.

I’ve absolutely adored how the show handled Rickie’s sexuality, this undercurrent of sadness over watching all his friends fall in love and how he never really expressed how much harder it is for him because having a crush on Jordan Catalano comes with completely different consequences and a horrible lack of possibilities compared to Angela’s crush on Jordan, and because he could never ever tell the new guy what he feels… and then, the final episode explicitly acknowledged it. 

Rickie: Delia? Maybe we should go somewhere sometime?
Delia: Okay.
Rickie: You know, like, to a movie or something.
Delia: I'd like that.
Rickie: Because, um, I, I really think that we'd be good together.
Delia: Okay, but you're gay, right?
Rickie: Well, I, you know, I…
Delia: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't…
Rickie: No, it, it, it's okay.
Delia: That came out so rude.
Rickie: No, see I, I try not to, um no, I, don't like, uh… Yeah, I'm gay. I just don't usually say it like that.
Delia: How do you usually say it?
Rickie: I don't usually say it. I mean, I've actually never said it out loud.
Delia: Wow. I feel kind of honored. I have to be honest. I have, like, the biggest crush on you.
Rickie: Another first.
Delia: See, I've pretty much figured it out. It's partly because, I think you're the most fantastic person. Plus, you're an awesome dancer. And partly that Brian Krakow really hurt me. I mean, I'm sorry, I know he's like a friend of yours and all, but he is the most self-centered, low-down dog of all time. He uses girls, then like tosses them aside. I guess I'm just... sort of in the mood to have a crush on somebody where it can't hurt too much.
Rickie: Be my guest. Delia, if I were attracted to girls, I'd be attracted to you. 

Delia is as observant and analytical (but not in the same way as Angela: not to the extent that she gets caught up in it, but that it provides her with perspective and a rationality that Angela doesn’t really have) as Rickie is. I love that she kind of navigates around the danger of Rickie using her to feel normal and then acknowledges that she is also kind of using him, as a safe crush after the disaster with Brian, and that she provides this safe environment for Rickie to come out for the first time (we don’t really know how Angela came to the assumption that he was bisexual before the pilot?). 

Water ballet

I always prefer stories about friendship over pretty much everything else. Sharon and Rayanne… are the unlikeliest of friends. They are opposites of each other. They spent the first half of the season disliking each other on principle because they competed for Angela and suspected each other of taking Angela away. And then they realized that they had this one extremely important connection: being able to talk about some issues with each other that they couldn’t discuss with anyone else, and that they managed to do this without being judgemental and genuinely helping each other. They are friends already because they meet the highest standard of friendship – they are supportive of each other, protective even, occasionally, and they trust each other far enough to talk about the intimate details of their lives – and yet, they’ve both been extremely hesitant to call each other friends, mostly because they still hold on to the idea that THEY CAN’T BE FRIENDS, because Sharon would never be friends with Rayanne Graff and Rayanne would never be friends with Sharon Cherski. 

Rayanne: Want to know something really laughable? I have no friends. I mean, Angela Chase. Forget it, we obviously cannot discuss that. Rickie Vasquez… totally not my friend. Tino… not dependable. You're probably thinking, ‘So what? You, like, deserve to have no friends.’ I mean, that is what you're thinking, isn't it?
Sharon: I have never met anyone like you, you know. You will say anything, and a person can say anything to you. You're just, like, non-shockable, or something. It's kind of...
Rayanne: It's refreshing, isn't it?
Sharon: Yeah, it is kind of... refreshing.
Rayanne: Refreshing.
Sharon: So you do... have a friend. I mean, maybe not the one you want, but...
Rayanne: I screwed up.
Sharon: Duh squared.

This is the moment when Sharon sees how upset Rayanne is (and she knows even before Rayanne explains herself, really), and makes the choice of comforting her and saying this one thing that she never admitted openly. And awesomely, Sharon is the one who starts playing with Rayanne’s hair, because usually Rayanne is the physical friend who immediately hugs and kisses. It’s lovely. It also made me bash my head against the wall because of all the lost potential. 

Beginnings and Endings

Rickie ends up telling Angela that Brian wrote the letter. He inadvertently causes pain when Angela pretends that she knew all along and he tells her he thought she would figure it out, and she realizes that she didn’t, and wonders what it says about her in addition to the shock and pain she feels anyway. 

Meanwhile, Jordan admits his feelings for Angela to Patty (because ironically – is that the right word? – Jordan ends up in front of her door while Tony cancels). 

Jordan: It's like you think you're safe, or something. Because you can just walk away anytime. Because you don't, like, need her. You don't need anyone. But the thing you didn't realize is… you're wrong.

This makes me wish so much that we’d have gotten a chance to get to know Jordan better. Jordan has an abusive father. Red is so important to him because having a car in part means not being trapped in a situation that he can’t handle. He can always leave, and this is essentially how he approaches all his relationships – with one eye always on the exit, except Angela helped him face some of his issues. She got Brian to help him with school. She doesn’t constantly under-estimate him. He likes her and he needs her: but so does Brian Krakow. 

Angela and Brian meet once again in front of her house, because that’s what Brian always does, both literally and symbolically: cycling around her. 

Angela: Uh, Brian? Brian, look at me. That letter I told you about. Rickie said you wrote it. And I have to know because…
Brian: Know what? There's nothing to know. Okay, what, what Rickie probably meant is that, see, Jordan Catalano asked me to, like, proofread it for grammatical errors.
Angela: You proofread a love letter? Is this like a game to you?
Brian: Um, hardly.
Angela: But you admit that you were involved.
Brian: I'm not admitting anything.
Angela: This is a joke, right? That the, the two of... Oh God. I can't believe I fell for it. It's obviously a total lie.
Brian: No, I meant every word. I mean, the person who wrote it meant every word. Probably.
Angela: Brian?
Brian: I didn't write it.
Angela: But Brian, you said…
Brian: Forget what I said. Forget this whole conversation!
Angela: How?
Brian: You liked it, though, right? It made you, like, happy?
Angela: Yeah.
Brian: Because that's probably all that, you know, matters.
Angela: To who?
Brian: To, you know, the person... who wrote it.
Jordan: Angela. Hey.
Angela: Hey.
Jordan: Hey, Brain.
Brian: Hi. Hey.
Jordan: Come on, let's go. Don't worry, your mom said it's okay. See you, Brain.
Brian: See you.

And that’s how it ends. Angela shoots Brian a look from Red, a look that really says everything, and then Jordan and Angela take off and Brian is left behind alone, but maybe, just maybe, no longer trapped in a prison of his own making. 

Random notes:

Jordan: Can't believe we have to use all those words in a sentence. I mean, not all in the same sentence, but, um, still.

Also, BRAIN. And I really enjoyed how Jared Leto played this too because there was always this sense that Jordan actually does this out of a very understated and subtle sense of humour – and Devon Sawa’s reaction to it, playing Brian as realizing essentially that whatever he does, Jordan isn’t going to stop calling him brain, so he doesn’t even bother correcting him and yet he still isn’t sure if Jordan is just taking the piss or dead serious. It’s hilarious. 

Brian asks Sharon about Delia because apparently he has come to the conclusion that the only way to get over Angela is by being with someone else, but Sharon shoots down all his hopes. They have this really loveable sibling relationship. And Sharon’s glare of death also works perfectly on him. 

Rayanne: You think I'm unhappy, me?

Rickie: Well, in my humble opinion, yes.

Rayanne: Don't say, ‘in my humble opinion’. That's Angela talk. That's how Angela Chase talks. What, are you trying to depress me? For your information, I happen to be a very happy, up person. What are you looking at?

Brian: Nothing.

Rickie: Ignore her. She's just a naturally happy, up person.

These are my notes on Patty’s dream of Tony (Angela thinks he’s cute, and “I can't trust your judgement on cuteness.”, because mum and stuff)

Why does she dream about Princess Diana. 

And why is Princess Diana played by a dude. 

Tony is totally a Jordan Catalano though. 

Like, genetically predisposed to fall for idiots.

Things that fed into my eternal love for Sharon Cherski: 

Angela: She dreamed about Rickie, my Rickie?

Sharon: So what do you think? I mean, does he ever, you know, with girls? Because she is a real sweetie.

Brian: So, what's new? I mean, is anything, like, new with anybody we both, like, know, or anything?

OH BRIAN. YOUR GIRL CRUSH IS SO BLATANT. 

Also in my notes: 

And as always I am entertained by the fact that nobody told Claire how to fake!kiss. 

Or she chose to ignore it. 

I MEAN. WATER BALLET. THEIR INITIAL CONNECTION IS OVER BEING ABLE TO TALK ABOUT SEX. PLAYING WITH HAIR. HOW COULD I POSSIBLY NOT SHIP THIS. 

Also…

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

My So-Called Life - It's truly amazing. I have the power to be invisible.

My So-Called Life: 1x18 Weekend. 

My whole life is waiting for something to happen.

I've sort of cautiously attempted not to get too involved in the show and to and keep a critical distance, knowing fully well that this moment would come eventually: Weekend is the penultimate episode of the show, and it is in many ways a comedic break from many of the serious issues and complicated relationships without completely disregarding them for the sake of pure entertainment. And yet, I can’t completely enjoy it because I know that there is not enough time to resolve all the conflicts, that one episode from this, so many things will be left open since the gods of renewal were just as unjust and cruel in 1995 as they are now – and that attempt was futile anyway, to not let myself care too much about the characters, because the writing and the acting make it impossible not to. It’s like Skins – history teaches that caring about specific characters and relationships comes at a high risk because both have a bodycount – but the writing and the acting draws you in nevertheless, resolutions be damned, bring on the tears. 

MSCL never really traps the viewer in one character’s perspective though – Angela narrates and contributes her thoughts, but she isn’t necessarily the only lens, nor was Brian in his episode. What this aspect of the show adds is an interpretation of events coming from the characters that reveals more about them – Angela’s interior monologues often said more about her situation when you paid attention to the things she didn’t say, for example. Hearing Brian’s thoughts hinted at the fact that he is just as trapped in over-analysis as Angela is, but they are sadly trapped in that awkward phase that makes it difficult to realize that someone you’ve known all your life but never really been friends with might have a similar interior life (the moment I did separates my teenage self from whatever it is I am now in my mind). 

Weekend provides Danielle’s voice overs – and in addition to finally glimpsing the inner thoughts of the invisible Chase (who spends a not really surprising amount of time pondering her own invisibility: “My life is different people kicking me out of different rooms.”), it also kind of explores the well-known Chase household in a different manner. Patty treats her two daughters differently because they are of a different age: she tends to be overprotective and over-concerned about Angela (always struggling with her own recollections of being that age vs. what she thinks her actions as a mother should be), but at the same time, she under-estimates Danielle. Danielle is in a position to overhear conversations that Angela would never be able to witness (not that she would want to), and at an age where other people’s drama is more interesting than her own. She isn’t yet in the phase of self-involvement in which everything is blown out of proportion, but she does understand much more than others think. Danielle notices the tiny fractures in her parents’ marriage (as Camille’s concern about Hallie Lowenthal grows and Patty pretends that everything is fine). We don’t really know how privy she is to what is going on in Angela’s life, but presumably, she does know much more than Angela thinks. 

And there is a lot to know. Rickie is still living with his English teacher. Angela and Rayanne aren’t talking to each other and Angela is trying to avoid any contact – and Rickie attempts to stay out of it (“Rayanne, don't put me in the middle of this, okay?”), but it’s not really working. The situation is more frustrating for Rayanne because she feels like she’s lost all her friends, not just one. When Patty leaves her daughters alone to go on a weekend trip with Graham, Graham’s brother and the new girlfriend (surprise!), Rayanne finds a lame excuse to come over and, in one of the most inspired plot twists to bring about a bottle episodes (technically it’s only half a bottle episode, but still…) ever, manages to cuff herself to Patty and Graham’s bed with a pair of handcuffs that Camille left Patty to “reconnect” with Graham (“Looks like I might be staying a little longer than I thought.” She tells Angela, not entirely unhappy.) 

Since one of the points of bottle episodes is to explore the relationships of the characters by trapping them together without a way out (arguably, the concept is meaningless in the case of MSCL because all the show does is trap characters to observe them closely – since they can’t get out of high school until they graduate), the eventual arrival of the missing characters is inevitable. Sharon comes with her mother, who has been tasked by Patty from far away to remove the incriminating cuffs, and while Angela does her best to keep her from wandering upstairs (“Why? That is so exactly the point. Why? Because of respect, for elders, which I just feel is totally lost in, like, today's world. So, what did you need?” – she also discusses the unfairness of the 30-day exchange policy: “I MEAN, IS THAT JUSTICE?”), Sharon slowly realizes that something is amiss, especially when she witnesses the “Rayanne fainted and is suffering from a miracle sickness” charade that the others have meanwhile prepared. There is an interesting serious moment when Camille sees Rayanne – she asks Angela in private if this is “the same Rayanne that has the drinking problem”, and there is this flicker of disapproval in Angela’s face when Camille reduces Rayanne to this. She still feels protective of her and it bothers her to hear someone who has no idea what is going on talk about Rayanne like she is nothing more than a problem. 

Rayanne: Rickie, will you go down and help Sharon and, uh, Danielle with lunch? I need to talk to Angela alone.
Rickie: Uh, sure.
Rayanne: Look Angela, I know we're not that close right now, but I just...
Angela: Look, I don't want to get into this right now, all right?
Rayanne: Get into what?
Angela: Some big discussion about what happened between you and Jordan Catalano. Because the truth is, is that it happened and nothing can change that. I don't want to talk about it.
Rayanne: Neither do I.
Angela: Oh, so why did you ask Rickie to leave?
Rayanne: I have to go to the bathroom. I need you to get me a jar.
Angela: I can't believe you.

This conversation is the elephant in the room that they both don’t want to talk about – Rayanne because she isn’t good at explaining her feelings to anyone, and Angela because she is still too hurt. Instead of tackling their issues, they focus on the problem at hand – the handcuffs – and of course, the person they decide to bring in is Brian Krakow (“When he walked through the door, part of his arm touched my shoulder. I thought I would faint, I mean swoon. […] He was a genius. I had goosebumps. Just watching him think.”)

Brian’s solutions: that one piece of equipment that any normal dad except his has in the garage (Graham doesn’t, though), the hardware store (on Monday), a similar pair of hand cuffs (hey! Sharon knows exactly where to get them!) 

Brian: Hey, I don't even know where the Pleasure Center is.
Sharon: Don't worry. I'll show you.

Unfortunately, the other thing they find apart from a new pair of cuffs is Sharon’s boy toy, who then hilariously witnesses and misunderstands Brian’s attempts to free Rayanne (“Krakow, stop, it's too big. It won't fit.”)

Rayanne: Wait, come in.
Danielle: You're awake?
Rayanne: I can't sleep. Too bored to sleep. Could you do me a favor?
Danielle: I could for money.
Rayanne: Girl after my very own heart. Okay, here's what you do. You go down to the liquor cabinet. You give me a bottle. Anything brown. I'll give you a dollar.
Danielle: Nope.
Rayanne: Two dollars.
Danielle: It's wrong to drink.
Rayanne: You have a real miserable side to you, you know that?
Danielle: My parents say you're a bad influence. I heard them talking about the things you do. Why do you do them?
Rayanne: I don't know. See, okay, when I look at myself, I see everything in, like, slow motion, and I think, "Something has to happen." Only, it never does. So I have to make it happen.
Danielle: Wow. 

Is this the first time ever that Rayanne EXPLAINED herself to anyone and tried to articulate this gnawing feeling inside of her? This reminded me so much of Cook, too – this feeling that things just have to keep moving, even when the direction is ultimately destructive. “You just burn, kid.” I think it’s telling that Rayanne never shared this with Angela, that she chooses a… stranger, because there will be no consequences if she tells Danielle. At the same time, the scene is beautiful because the episode started with Danielle articulating her frustration about how nothing ever happens - and here's Rayanne, who makes things happen, with both exciting and terrible results. 

The next morning, Brian finally figures it out and manages to at least free her from the bed post, if not from the cuffs – and Rayanne immediately decides to run. 

Angela: You're leaving?
Rayanne: I can still make something out of this weekend.
Angela: Don't you dare leave now.
Rayanne: Hey, come on, hands off.
Angela: My parents will never trust me again.
Rayanne: Come on, now you're crossing the line, girlfriend.
Angela: I can't believe you! You're like this curse that's just, just destroying my life! You can't just walk out and expect us to clean up after you. You're like this living, breathing bad luck omen!
Rayanne: Don't mince words! Tell me how you feel.
Sharon: Rayanne, calm down.
Rickie: Hold it together. Angela!
Angela: I can't take it anymore.
Sharon: Rayanne, just don't talk!

Again, things don’t get out of control completely because they need to clean up in time before Graham and Patty come home. It looks like the aftermath of the wild party that you would expect from teenagers being left alone. 

When Rayanne finally does leave, freed from the cuffs at last because they manage to get the key from Patty unobserved, Angela and she share a moment that hints at a future reconciliation: they agree not to get in any big discussion, and part peacefully, but they’re still far from being friends again. 

Patty: Go to my room, excuse me, I am an adult!

Warren: That is a judgement call, ma'am.

While the adolescents behave differently than you’d expect - the Chase’s house remains without loud music, a keg, hoards of destructive teenage vandals (Brian’s attempts to free Rayanne don’t actually count as vandalism… just lack of talent) – the cultured holiday that Patty had in mind comes apart at the seams. For one, the episode establishes a conflict between her and Neil’s new girlfriend, Cheryl – and then escalates this conflict so that Patty ends up being the only responsible adult, a role that she doesn’t even necessarily want. 

Patty: Well, I'm sure you could do anything you put your mind to.
Cheryl: I mean, you've got this great job, you've got this husband and children. It must be so satisfying. Like with me, there's so many, like, paths I could choose. Every single possibility of life is, like, open to me. But, you, I mean, your choices have been made. Your life is totally settled. It must really be like... comforting.
Patty: Yeah, it is.

The realization that Patty is coming to is that she probably wants some of that freedom as well – the freedom she provides for Graham, by giving him a chance to realize his dreams. The same comforting settled life can easily become a prison, and it isn’t as safe and sound as Cheryl makes it sound, considering that Graham is currently tiptoeing around the edges of an affair. 

So when the children get drunk and tease the mother about how sober and serious she is, she lets all her frustration and restraint go and gets completely, spectacularly wasted, being-carried-out-of-the-restaurant-half-naked-wasted. The next morning, she regrets the spectacle she made, but she also finally at least hints at the feelings that caused it: 

Patty: What about what matters to me? I mean, there I am, I'm waiting, and I'm waiting, and I'm worrying, and I'm feeling like the minutes are ticking by, and then you tell me that you're late because you had to look under her hood?
Graham: Wait a minute, what are we talking about here?

Random notes: 

I grew up watching ER, so seeing Laura Innes playing pretty much the exact opposite to the stern and dry Dr Kerry Weaver was… interesting. 

Angela: Mom, I've been alone with Danielle before.

Patty: Yes, and I can't help but recall the time you put her in the dryer.

Angela: Oh Mom, that was so long ago! I can't believe you're still talking about that. Anyway, she begged me to do it.

Patty: Whosever idea it was, I don't wanna come home and find anyone in an appliance. 

As tragic as the whole dance that Patty and Graham do around the elephant in the room is, the subtext of their conversations about Hallie Lowenthal is still hilarious: 

Patty: You looked under Hallie Lowenthal's hood?

Graham: Well, I couldn't just leave her there. You would not believe Hallie Lowenthal's engine. It is held together by string, literally.

Graham also forgot to mention that Hallie is no longer safely with fiancé. 

I absolutely love that Danielle defies all expectations when it comes to her reaction to Angela’s friends: she doesn’t find Jordan attractive but has a huge crush on Brian Krakow, and Rickie is the cool friend. 

Rayanne: I wouldn't mind spending a few hours here with someone special. I love sex on a different bed.

Which is of course exactly the same thing Graham said to Patty before not getting laid due to awkward sex noises from the other room. 

Danielle: I'm not leaving. I live here.

Angela: Great. Wonderful. There's gotta be a key. Find it. And I'll explain this to you later. Like when you're thirty.

Angela: I'm telling you, those handcuffs do not belong to my parents.

Sharon: Of course not.

Rickie: Oh, never.

This is funny because they belong to Sharon’s parents. 

Angela: Weekend from hell.

Danielle (voice over): That was the best weekend of my entire life.

Angela: By the way, thanks.

Danielle: So, what are we doing next weekend?

Angela: Danielle, we are not doing anything.

Danielle: We could see what Brian's doing.

Angela: Danielle!

Danielle: I kinda like Rayanne.

Angela: Danielle!

And in the aftermath, there’s an ominous click from the bedroom, and as old men try to catch fish, Graham begins his desperate search for wire shears. 

Stay tuned for next week, when I'll drown in a puddle of my own tears.

My So-Called Life - Sometimes it's like I really think I know her. And then it'll be like we're total strangers.

My So-Called Life: 1x17 Betrayal.

Angela: I loved Jordan Catalano so much, and talked about him so much, and thought about him so much, it was like he lived inside me. Like he had taken possession of my soul or something. And then one day...I got over him! It was like Jordan Catalano had been surgically removed from my heart. And I was free!

This is perhaps one of my favourite opening scenes – the lovely moment in the last episode when Rickie, Angela and Rayanne sit in front of the TV to wait for the new year comes close, simply because it is such a bittersweet last moment of almost untarnished friendship between the three – but I like this one most for introspective, forever-caught-up-in-her-own-thoughts Angela. I always feel bad about not giving Claire Danes enough credit for her performance – it’s almost like I take it for granted because she is consistently and reliably great – but this moment of absolute giddy relief over the fact that she is free of Jordan Catalano, these few minutes of celebratory glee, highlight an Angela we’ve never really seen before: one who doesn’t hold back because she questions every single decision a hundred times, one who simply enjoys something rather than expecting something bad to happen immediately after. And what better soundtrack than the Violent Femmes’ Blister in the Sun? 

Here’s something Rayanne knows, as well as many viewers: this isn’t going to last. There is no way of surgically removing emotions for somebody else so that nothing stays behind, and it’s exactly those bits and pieces that inevitably remain that cause the most damage. Angela contributes to the potential danger by becoming friends with Jordan: because before he was mostly fit and mysterious, but unknowable, he was this person Angela created in her head; but being friends with him allows her to get to know him, and surprisingly, there really is an actual person underneath. Angela soon resorts to the usual techniques: pretending to be interested in somebody else when Jordan is watching (unfortunately choosing Cory, the other guy Rickie has a crush on), repeating over and over again that she really is not interested in Jordan at all, in case you were wondering. 

And what about Jordan? We never really know. Jordan doesn’t explain his feelings to other people. He presumably doesn’t spend as much time as Angela on analyzing them, but it’s clear from the way he acts around her that is upset about how things are going. 

What do we know of Jordan Catalano, really? He cares deeply about his band and his car. He has a broken family and an abusive father. He uses drugs and alcohol to escape, even though he’d never consciously make the connection between the two. And what do we know of Rayanne Graff? She has a broken family, a negligent mother, an absent father, and she never ever says what she wants and instead hides behind a care-free façade, pretending that all those things that do matter to her so much – Angela’s friendship, being respected – aren’t all that important. We’ve spent so much time on discovering how incompatible Angela and Jordan are that the similarities between him and Rayanne seem like something completely unexpected, except they’ve always been there (and maybe they are one of the reasons why Angela likes them both). 

Rayanne: Have as much as you want. I'm drunk.
Jordan: Yeah, me too. But not enough. So, Graff... so who are you here with?
Rayanne: If you mean, where's Angela?, she didn't come. Just like usual.
Jordan: So let me ask you something.
Rayanne: It wasn't even my idea! I auditioned for this stupid play. It was Angela's. Yeah, right, like I could be Emily.
Jordan: Emily who?
Rayanne: It's this part, in this stupid Our Town play. It was just wishful thinking. No, I could never be her. Angela could be her.
Jordan: Oh yeah?
Rayanne: She's exactly like Angela. I mean, you know, she's so innocent that she, like, doesn't know she's innocent.
Jordan: Yeah.
Rayanne: And she always says this stuff like, "My, isn't the moonlight terrible?"
Jordan: Yeah, she's always saying innocent stuff like that.
Rayanne: No, I meant, I meant... never mind.
Jordan: So, does she like that guy I keep seeing her talking to, Cory or what?
Rayanne: I don’t know, it's hard to say, you know?
Jordan: Sometimes it's like I really think I know her. And then it'll be like, like we're total strangers.
Rayanne: I know. Hey, Catalano! It's cool.
Jordan: Hi.
Rayanne: Hey.

It’s inevitable, really. The remarkable thing is that MSCL chooses to make this connection through Angela: Jordan is upset over Angela apparently moving on even though he’s never clear on how he feels about her, and Rayanne is upset because Angela is still somewhat elusive – there is this insurmountable distance between them that Rayanne thinks is caused by her own lack of innocence. And of course there’s Brian, trying to collect material for a yearbook video, accidentally filming them while they are both betraying Angela – Jordan because he has these unspoken feelings for her, and Rayanne because she knows that Angela isn’t over him, regardless of how many times she’s officially declared she is. They both love Angela, but Angela doesn’t get this darkness that connects them because she’s never been there – the horrible parents, the alcohol – and they both know she doesn’t and can’t understand this fucked-up place. They both know it’s a stupid idea, and they take forever, hesitating on the way, but eventually they end up in the car together (and of course, the next morning they both pretend they were too drunk to really remember), and Brian documents it because despite the fact that he knows he should, he can’t look away. 

Brian has no intention of using this to drive a wedge between Jordan and Angela, but he also can’t keep from telling somebody else – and he tells Sharon – and Sharon tells Delia, and regardless of how well-intentioned they all might be, there is this point where a secret just has to come out because too many people know. 

Sharon: I can't tell her! It's not like my place to tell her. Right?
Delia: Well, aren't you really close?
Sharon: But if I don't tell her, is that like being a friend? Is it being more of a friend to tell her, or to not tell her?
Delia: Well, I would.
Sharon: See, I can see not telling her, because if I tell her, it's almost like I'm saying, "See, I told you so about Rayanne Graff!" And that's not what I would tell her, if I told her. Is it?
Delia: No, you'd be telling her because you're...
Sharon: See, I would want to know. I mean, wouldn't you want to know?
Delia: Well, yeah, I would definitely want to know.
Sharon: Oh my god. Why did Brian Krakow have to witness this? And if Rayanne had to do this totally low life, disgusting thing, couldn't she at least have done it in private?

Would Sharon have even hesitated to tell Angela if she hadn’t sort-of kind-of befriended Rayanne in the past weeks? And I also love that it only takes one conversation to so perfectly portray what kind of person Sharon is: she considers the problem from all angles and her only goal is to figure out what would hurt less – this isn’t about alienating Angela from Rayanne so she can have her friend all to herself, this isn’t about causing pain in retribution for the weeks of abandonment. Sharon cares but she knows that there is no way she can do this without hurting someone. Brian also tells Rickie, because he’s “the only one left” (it’s one of those classic moments when Brian accidentally insults someone…). So when Angela, upon overhearing Sharon’s conversation with Delia in the restroom, comes to him to tell him how outrageous she finds all of this and how much she doesn’t believe any of it… Rickie can’t actually lie, and has to tell her that it’s all true. She later goes to Brian and asks to see the video but he refuses, just for once corretly analyzing the potential emotional fall-out of a situation and telling her it would “just make you feel worse.”

Rayanne realizes almost immediately that something is wrong because Angela starts shunning her. The first person she talks to is Sharon – because she blames Sharon for what happened, but also, Sharon is secretly the only other friend she has apart from Rickie and Angela. 

Rayanne: Cherski!
Delia: Sharon, are you coming?
Rayanne: She'll be there in a minute.
Rayanne: So, congratulations, your dream came true.
Sharon: What dream?
Rayanne: Now you've got an iron-clad, perfect excuse never to talk to me again. You should be celebrating.
Sharon: You think I'm happy about this? Somebody I care about has been hurt!
Rayanne: And you just couldn't wait to go to them with the news.
Sharon: Don't turn this around on me! I said what I said to protect her.
Rayanne: Protect her. What a crock!
Sharon: That's right! So she would know. Because it's what you do when someone's your friend. You brought this on yourself.
Rayanne: And you're just so happy I did.
Sharon: No, I'm not. Not at all.

And she really, really isn’t. The best thing about this is that Sharon isn’t just upset because Angela has been hurt; she also realizes the implications of this for Rayanne, and she is sad for her too, even if she would never ever admit to it. 

The next person Rayanne talks to, absurdedly, is Patty – who, quite surprisingly, understands this from a different perspective than expected (she later reveals that she has done the same to one of her friends – and it’s just the greatest thing, when two characters relate to each other who seemed so different before, because they’ve had similar experiences that set them apart from the rest). 

Rayanne: But, like, if something really horrible happened...
Patty: Did something really horrible happen?
Rayanne: Yes! But I really didn't think it was. I mean, she said she was totally over him.
Patty: You mean Jordan?
Rayanne: Otherwise, I would have never done it. I mean, because it's not something that either of us really... It was just this thing. That, like, happened. He was just, like, there.
Patty: You and Jordan...
Rayanne: You hate my guts. I mean, well, I guess I would too, if I were you.
Patty: No. No, no. I don't hate you. I mean, I guess I can certainly understand how Angela feels.
Rayanne: Yeah. I've never really hurt somebody this bad before. It's hard to believe. I mean, but I guess you can't really hurt someone this bad unless you really matter to them. Please, don't tell her I was here. 

Usually, Patty is always conflicted because she has this instinctual reaction to certain situations that come from having been a teenager too, and remembering all these emotions: she can emphasize with Rayanne, just as she can usually with Angela when complicated things happen to her – but with Angela, Patty always second-guesses her instincts because she knows that she has to react differently as a mother. That whole conflict doesn’t really apply here. 

This is breaking up Rayanne’s world. Rickie doesn’t really want to talk to her because he sees this as fitting into her pattern of self-destruction and disregard for others (“What did you expect her to feel like?”) – so he walks away from her too. He tries to fix things by telling Angela that she can’t allow this to “control you – you’ve gotta lead your own life” – but Angela can’t react rationally. Rayanne only realizes what this means, truly, when she gets the role and has absolutely nobody to share her happiness with. She is completely alone. 

Angela chases Cory in retaliation, not realizing that the only person she hurts is Rickie, and Rayanne keeps her from doing something stupid. 

Rayanne: Well, I got the part. I would never have gotten it if it wasn't for you.
Angela: Look, I don't care anymore, okay? So just go away.
Rayanne: You're not the only one who got hurt.
Angela: Well, forgive me if I can't feel sorry for you, Rayanne.
Rayanne: You lost nothing, Angela. You lost a lousy, selfish friend, a guy you never really
had. You lost nothing! I lost a really good friend! I lost everything.
[…]
Rickie: I'm glad she got that part. She wanted that part.
Angela: What? Who's side are you on?
Rickie: I'm on your side! It's like, impossible to be on Rayanne's side. Even though I partly understand it.
Angela: What do you mean?
Rickie: I mean, face it. She's always partly wanted to be you. And in a way, I think this was her screwed up way of, for one night, kind of pretending she was you. I mean, I'm on your side, no question. But can I just ask you something? Why are you making this big play for Cory Hellfrick, when you know how I feel about him?
Angela: Because… I thought... I mean, you once told me that you were over him.
Rickie: But guess how I felt when you started going after him?
Angela: I don't have to guess.

Unhappiness all around. The “she’s always partly wanted to be you” is a call-back to Amber’s powerful explanation of their friendship at the beginning of the show – “She’s in love with Angela. She wants to be her.” – and of course this happens in an episode that has Rayanne literally pretending to be Angela in the play, by performing a role that she thinks resembles Angela more than it does her. 

The final scene of the episode is perhaps one of my favourites over-all – Katimski asks Angela to stand in for a scene that is about Emily/Rayanne realizing what she has lost – and during the performance, they are really using the text to communicate their emotions to each other because it is the only way they can explain themselves. It’s incredibly acted, and – horribly, but also realistically – it doesn’t prove to magically heal all the wounds, because even the grandest speeches don’t have that power (this is the one lie I will never forgive Skins). 

Katimski: Stop acting? Please?
Rayanne: What?
Katimski: Stop acting. There's really no need for it. You see, Emily is dead. The life she had is over. That's a pretty big deal. I mean, oh, gee whiz, she is just now realizing how precious every moment of that life really was. And that she never really appreciated what she had. Just imagine what that must feel like, Rayanne.
Rayanne / Emily: I can't go on, it goes so fast, we don't have time to look at one another. I didn't realize. So all that was going on, and we never noticed. Take me back.  Back to the hill, to my grave. But first, wait! One last look. Goodbye. Goodbye, world. Goodbye, Grover's Corners. Momma and Poppa. Goodbye to clocks ticking. Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it? Every minute?
Abyssinia (as Stage Manager): No. Saints and poets, maybe they do so.
Rayanne: I’m ready to go back.
Angela (as Mrs. Webb): Were you happy?
Rayanne: No. I should have listened to you. But that’s all human beings are. Just blind people.

Angela walks off, unable to forgive Rayanne, but their tears are a testament to the fact that both realize, helplessly, what they are losing. You can't ever remove another person surgically, without leaving any traces, without creating a mess. 

Random notes: 

Rayanne bases her interpretation of a character she is auditioning for on Angela, because she’s “sweet and innocent”. Hilariously, AJ Langer does a spot-on Claire Danes. 

Angela: Rayanne, think of it this way! Acting is like lying, and who's a better liar than you?

Rayanne: I just didn't cry right. I should have cried more like you. You know? Your little... first sigh, and then, and then your like mouth collapses.

Rickie: Why are you crying like Angela?

Angela: Shut up! I do not cry like that!

My parents also play this game: 

Patty: Graham, you have tons of clothes that you never wear!

Graham: Well, that doesn't mean that I never will.

Patty: Oh, I forgot! The one who has the oldest clothes when they die wins!

When Angela storms into Brian’s room and he is half-naked on the bed (a situation that could have been way, way more awkward): “People should tell people when they have visitors!”. 

Brian: Yeah, I was influenced by Spielberg, um, but I think my my recent work is more like Tarantino, only less violent.

My So-Called Life - In a way, that made me feel lonelier.

My So-Called Life: 1x16 Resolutions.

I don’t know what it is about humans that makes it so important to have some kind of significant date attached to plans and resolutions. In the case of the resolutions voiced at the beginning of this episode, as the television counts down to the year 1995, you’d kind of think that most of the characters would have recognized the errors of their way earlier and perhaps chosen to change their habits accordingly, instead of waiting for the new year to come. But alas, this is the forever-miracle of humanity: doomed (and gifted!) to remember, yet yearning for that tabula rasa, that second chance, that new start that will somehow magically redeem us. The other truth: it almost never works. 

The resolutions are: 

What I was thinking, as like a New Year's resolution is to stop getting so caught up in my own thoughts, because I'm like way too introspective... I think… but what if not thinking turns me into this shallow person? I better rethink this becoming less introspective thing... okay, so I'll stay introspective, but I do resolve to stop doing Jordan Catalano homework.

Angela thinks too much about thinking too much, comes to the conclusion that thinking too much determines who she is, and thus concludes that she shouldn’t allow Jordan (Jordan’s, by the way, at this point of the episode: “Wait a second, isn't tonight, New Year's Eve?”) to use her. 

I resolve to never again have sex with Kyle, or anyone, again, unless I really love and respect them.

Sharon resents herself for being on the other side of an asymmetric relationship: she feels like she is only using Kyle for sex, thinking that he cares more about her than he does about him (regardless of whether she’s right or not, his dog still comes first on the list of priorities). 

I resolve to stop obsessing over Angela Chase.

Brian’s resolution nicely mirrors Angela’s: resolving not to think about somebody requires the same kind of impossible witchcraft that Angela would have needed to stick to her first one. It’s not possible. If it were, we’d have more movies and songs about arts and crafts (assuming that’s what people would do if they didn’t spend so much time despairing over unrequited love). What I really like about the portrayal of Brian’s feelings for Angela is that he isn’t the guy watching her from a distance, creating this idealized version of her in his head – he is right there. He witnesses Angela in her worst moments. If there ever was an idealized version of her, the image of her has long been adjusted to fit the actual Angela, and still, Brian can’t let go. 

…to find some place where I like really belong.

Angela and Brian deal with emotions and feelings. MSCL always manages to portray these struggles as important and integral to being that specific age, but it also never shies away from pointing out that some of the other characters are faced with external burdens, are stuck in unbearable situations. This doesn’t diminish the validity of Angela’s introspectiveness, or Brian’s crush, it’s just important to remember that Rickie’s issue isn’t one that simply requires him to change – it requires others to step in and take responsibility because no kid should be dealing with homelessness and abuse on his own. 

…to stop drinking, but this time like really stop.

And then there’s Rayanne and her personal demons – requiring both things, actually, changing herself and other people stepping up to help her – and both of these things are precarious because she’s been portrayed to easily fall back into old habits and has a negligent mother who does not realize the gravity of the situation. Also, Rayanne, despite being loud and open and never hesitating to name things, resents being helped. She dealt with the school counsellor by dismissing her issues with humour, didn’t articulate to Angela what she needed of her in terms of support to stay sober, and somehow managed to even alienate usually eternally helpful Rickie. 

Patty and Graham are also slowly steering towards serious issues. Patty resolves to be less suspicious (“less judgemental, less critical, to lighten up, and above all, to be more supportive”), even though Graham seems to be hiding something – and Graham, meanwhile, isn’t even really conscious of the fact that he is hiding something, and only articulates a vague concern about talking to Hallie Lowenthal after class and not having told her once and for old that he won’t run the restaurant with her. 

This is a good moment to mention that I always feel bad about often delegating Patty and Graham to the “other stuff” section, but I’ve found the slow build-up between Hallie and Graham delightful. From how the show portrays them, they are friends – and Graham needs a counterweight like Hallie, who is the opposite of Patty. But things are never simple. Graham knows that something is developing, even if he doesn’t even allow himself to openly articulate that concern in his resolution. 

Sharon

Sharon runs into early difficulties with her plan when Kyle declares his love for her on the school hallways (“I don’t care who knows it!”). Because MSCL is awesome like that and willing to feed into my doomed obsession, the person she takes this problem to, even though it’s rather involuntary (as most of their interactions are, really – fate just always interferes…), is Rayanne. Rayanne is fascinated by the idea that any guy would declare his love openly and asks Sharon if this doesn’t make her happy (naturally, that’s not the word she uses – “you’re totally fulfilled, right?”) – and Sharon explains that the only reason why they are back together is because she was watching “that River Runs Through It” movie and Brad Pitt turned up so she called Kyle and they had “a better time then thy used to when she was technically supposed to love him”. Rayanne pragmatically tells her that this is nothing to be sorry about but Sharon doesn’t like using other people “because you were watching this movie”. Apart from the fact that this very nicely subverts gender stereotypes, the conversation is also hilarious because Rayanne is the only person in Sharon’s life she could have it with. 

There is of course another person that can provide a perspective on the whole “using people who are more emotionally involved” thing – Brian Krakow, struggling with the fact that he has to help Jordan Catalano, his nemesis, pondering if it makes him a hypocrite if he turns Jordan down for a feeling that he can’t openly admit to. Brian does manage to get stuck with Sharon’s “I love you beary much” bear in the process, though (“cute bear, Krakow!”) 

Brian: It's like I can't even like look at him so it just really boils down to respect, you know, I mean I have like zero respect for him, so, you know it's that simple, I mean, for me to tutor someone that I don't respect wouldn't that almost be like using him?
Sharon: It is definitely wrong to use people.
Brian: So you'll switch with me?
Sharon: No. No, that won't solve it, that's like the cowards' way out.
Brian: Well, I mean, I can live with that, because you know, I kind of am a coward, so…
Sharon: No. No, you have to be honest, you have to tell him that it was a  mistake and that, and that you can't pretend anymore and that that whole using him thing that, and you know, you didn't want to hurt him!
Brian: I'm supposed to say all that to Jordan Catalano? 

Sharon, determined to see this through finally (also because otherwise she might “end up” like Rayanne – “no offense”) but Kyle is smarter than he… seems… and suggests watching Thelma & Louise, which is a chance to marvel at a shirtless and very young Brad Pitt for some (Sharon) while others just enjoy the classic with the “really old babes” for the lesbian subtext (Sharon, in college - oh, all those seasons that never were). So it’s 7:30 instead of breaking up for good, and I think Kyle isn’t completely unaware of the fact that he is being used and maybe not entirely uncomfortable with it, because there are always compromises to ensure mental sanity in cases of unrequited love.

Angela /Jordan / Brian

Regarding Angela’s resolution: we find her in Red, doing Jordan’s homework, while he is smoking on the hood of his car and finally coming to his own resolution for the new year (slightly delayed, as expected). Jordan decides that he can’t take advantage of Angela now that they are not dating (“It would be different if we were like…” – yes, Jordan, it’s perfectly fine to have girls write your homework as long as you’re also having sex). Angela enthusiastically celebrates her own resolve and the fact that she is finally sticking to a resolution. In order to not completely destroy Jordan’s chances of ever graduating, she also signs him up (secretly) to be tutored – and of course the person chosen to help him pass English would be Brian Krakow (“are you… Brain?”). 

Brian manages to cut the Gordian knot of not being able to respect Jordan Catalano (but really being jealous of Jordan Catalano because of Angela) by finding a thing to respect him for that also promises to help him get over Angela: Jordan gets phone numbers from girls as if it were the easiest thing in the world. “This is like how you live?” he says, unable to process that other people don’t only associate terrible torturous emotions with the whole dating thing. 

That Restaurant Thing

The problem is: Graham and Hallie are perfectly suited for this. She has the passion and chaotic enthusiasm, he provides the level-headed analysis and realistic perspective. She finds the beautiful space for the restaurant, he takes a look at it, knows it’s perfect but also goes through the numbers to figure out whether it’s doable (and the other problem: it is doable. There are no impossible obstacles between Graham and that one thing that he really wants except that one approaching issue that he knows is there, but doesn’t really acknowledge). At the same time, he is negotiating this with Patty, who is torn between allowing Graham to realize his dream and being the voice of reason and being deeply suspicious of his relationship with Hallie. Graham is behaving like he is already involved in an affair while he is technically only planning to start a business. 

Graham: Listen Patty, there's something I have to tell you... It's been kind of weighing on me...I haven't been…
Patty: Oh god.
Graham: …Completely honest, about something, and I just can’t
Patty: Oh god... Just, just say it, just say it.
Graham: I want to open this restaurant. See, I missed Angela's birth because I got stuck in that airport and I missed college, and, because I did. And, and I missed Woodstock? Twice! And I really, I just, I don't want to miss this!
Patty: I will be totally supportive.
Graham: Really?! But I thought, I mean... you mean that?
Patty: Oh yes! God yes! I will be, unbelievably, supportive!
Graham: Wait ah, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a second! What did you think I was going to say?
Patty: Never mind!

They are already communicating about an affair before there even is an affair: and worse, once Graham goes over to the restaurant to tell Hallie that he has decided, we finally see where this might inevitably go. They too have a conversation ripe with subtext, a conversation about doing something that you really want (“you wouldn't be here if you didn't really want to be, right?” says Hallie, hopeful, and clearly not just referring to them as business partners) – and then she tells Graham that her fiancé just broke up with her, because presumably, even though Hallie doesn’t explicitly say so, her fiancé assumed that they were having an affair too. Unrequited feelings all around. 

Rickie 

For Rickie, the theme of the episode is a variation of the nativity story – Katimski has them read Homer’s Odyssey, and that describes his situation. He is living with the Chases and the situation seems to be ideal, especially since Rickie is a less complicated, less messy, more talented cooking-wise addition to the household than Angela and Danielle (“If only he had come into our lives when the girls were still young and impressionable”, says Graham, “he's like my mother, only mature”, responds Patty). But the danger is already looming. They know that something is wrong because Rickie’s uncle and aunt haven’t called, and Rickie knows that there is an inevitable moment in the future when somebody realizes that this isn’t just a temporary hiccup in an otherwise normal situation. “He can’t just stay here forever”, says Patty, and Rickie panics. He fears that they will get the police or some other authority involved, so he pretends that things are fine, that he can return home, that this was never really serious, even if it means that he is now on the streets and once again looking for shelter. Odysseus at least had the home that it took him forever to return to – Rickie can only wait for it to materialize out of thin air. The one person who realizes that Rickie isn’t okay is Katimski. 

Rickie: Okay, well, um, you know that essay that I never handed in, about what Odysseus wants? Um, can, I get an extension on that?
Katimski: Okay...
Rickie: Beause I read it, it's about this lonely guy that wanders the world for like, many years, right?
Katimski: Right.
Rickie: And he way that, that it starts like in the middle, what's that called again, I know you told us...
Katimski: In medias res.
Rickie: Right.
Katimski: It's in the middle of things.
Rickie: Right. Because see, right know it's, it's sort of like, it's sort of like I don't have a place to live.
Katimski: Oh God. Well now, what happened?
Rickie: But I mean it's okay, it's, it's actually gonna be fine, I was  staying at my friend Angela's house for a while, and they're  really nice, they're this really great family, but in a way, that made me feel lonelier, and I know that sounds ungrateful…
Katimski: No, no no, I understand.
Rickie: And see, my uncle? I was living with my aunt and uncle, because, well, it's sort of a long story...

It’s a long story because really, the odyssey began long before Rickie was kicked out. Like the Odyssey, it started in medias res, before the show first picks up – with whatever tragic thing happened that made it impossible for him to grow up with his parents instead of sketchy distant relatives. 

Katimski tries to help him; he asks a friend for a favour (to get Rickie a place in Pride House, a place that presumably helps LGBT homeless youths) – but there’s a waiting list, and a horrific night in a home that freaks Rickie out so badly and makes him feel so unsafe that he flees. 

I absolutely adore the structure of the episode – because there is always this question looming of why Katimski doesn’t just ask Rickie to stay at his house for a bit, this was, after all, the easiest answer to Rickie’s troubles after Christmas, and Katimski behaves erratically too – not just because he is abstaining from coffee, but also because he spends this entire episode incredibly frustrated over the fact that he can’t help Rickie, and those who could don’t. We only find out why he can’t at the end of the episode – he is living with his partner, and presumably the situation of gay teachers in 1995 wasn’t safe enough for them to live openly or for parents not to freak out over the fact that he may have invited a teenage boy over who would have otherwise either spent the night outside or been beaten up for being gay in a halfway house. So he is understandably frustrated with the Chases for making Rickie leave, regardless of whether it was because of the story he told (because really, I think deep down Patty and Graham knew perfectly well that things weren’t fine, they just wanted to believe it because it would be the easier option, really). 

Rickie calls Katimski from a phone booth and pretends to be at a safe place because that’s what Rickie does, always: pretend to be okay so as not to cause a fuzz, so as not to cause discomfort, even if it means that he gets hurt. But he wants and needs Katimski to ask him to stay over because he just doesn’t have the resources to help himself anymore, this is a problem that he can’t face and overcome on his own. 

Rickie: Your address was in the phonebook. Sorry. It just got so hard to be alone!
Katimski: Come in.

Random notes: 

I find it weird that the lessons always end right after the teacher starts to talk about the topic. I mean, what are they doing the other 40 minutes? Sing songs from Sister Act? 

Jordan: You could, have sex with me though. If you really want to help. I guess that's a no. 

Kyle: Hey! Ah, you must have lost this?

Sharon: Oh!

Kyle: I found it hanging from a urinal. 

Jordan: You can even start with the basics, you know?

Brian: No, okay.

Jordan: I mean, even if it seems like too basic? Start with that. And then after, if you want, I can teach you how to get someone’s phone number. 

Pragmatism: It’s what made America great. 

Wilson Cruz!! With every episode, I am more amazed by his talent. 

My So-Called Life - That would be a different story, wouldn't it?

My So-Called Life: 1x15 So-Called Angels. 

I am conflicted about this episode. MSCL has pulled off the random magical realism before, when Angela ventured into the past at Halloween, but the magical aspect of this episode – played by Juliana Hatfield (of non-evil I Kissed A Girl fame) – lives off the idea that Christmas really is the only time that you can pull something like this off (because MSCL isn’t Popular – or Glee, and I take it more seriously as a show because it can’t just use every single trick in the book to make the audience gasp). I am also not sure what purpose it serves, since the central story of the episode is compelling and tragic and horrifying on its own. So-Called Angels is a re-telling of the nativity story, and the person going from door to door, asking to be let in, is a gay boy who is abused at home. Nobody cares enough or realizes the gravity of the situation to offer him shelter, so he ends up in the modern equivalent of a stable (a building not part of the home, with insufficient infrastructure to provide for human inhabitants), an unused warehouse that is occupied by countless other homeless teens. 

The Scrooge of the story – even though this is probably a simplification – is Patty. Patty, from the very beginning so emerged in the politics of Christmas (her entry into the episode is complaining that she received a card from a friend she has already dismissed, and now has to respond to it – “Patty, it's a greeting card, not a dead fish”), trying to get a reluctant Graham to go to Church with her, pondering if it would be appropriate to invite poor Brian Krakow who’s parents have deserted him (“Oh, Brian's a level-headed kid. He probably likes having the place to himself”, reasons Graham, also “didn't Hannukah already happen, or something?”). But when Rickie turns up at their door, beaten up and starved but too proud to really ask for what he needs, she argues that it isn’t there place to have him stay over if his parents are expecting him. There is this horrible thing at the bottom of this that is never explicitly mentioned in the episode but implied because Brian is treated so differently from Rickie by Patty: it’s not just that Brian has always been the kid from the neighbourhood, that Brian has this weird place in their family as a kind of replacement son for Graham – Patty has always been deeply uncomfortable with the fact that Rickie is bisexual. 

Patty: Were we wrong? Down there about Rickie?

Graham: No, we weren't wrong.

Patty: I mean, what do we really know about that boy, you know?

Graham: Virtually nothing.

Patty: We've never met his family, I mean, how on earth are we supposed to know what the situation is?

Graham: I know, honey. Except I think he does make you kind of uncomfortable.

Patty: What do you mean? Because he wears makeup?

Graham: No, I'm just saying… what if that was Brian Krakow with that bruise on his face? That would be a different story, wouldn't it?

Patty: Graham, you can't compare them. I mean I've known Brian Krakow since he was five years old.

Graham: I know. So have I. Now all I'm asking is - should that make a difference?

Patty: Well, maybe not. But it does.

Graham: I know.

I believe that one of the greater lies that is told about Christmas is that there is some kind of general meaning that applies to everyone. Christmas (as a tradition) is different for everybody who celebrates it: it depends on the childhood memories, on the family, on the varying rituals. For some it’s the one time of the year where the family comes together without fighting all the time, for others, it’s the opposite. Some celebrate with their extended family, others only with their parents and siblings. Some hate it, some love it, some are indifferent to it. There is no such thing as the “one” meaning of Christmas, because Christmas is an individual experience (shared between those who celebrate together) – and dominated by so many contradictory ideas (excessive shopping vs. introspection, peace and quiet, spending time with your loved ones vs. being so exhausted and frustrated and stressed that you would rather crawl into a hole and sleep until spring). But I think that there is an idea, or an ideal, about Christmas that is often alluded to but only rarely executed, and that is being generous and giving and remembering those who are less fortunate. As a realist, I sort of grudgingly know deep down that all the charity drives in part serve the purpose of soothing guilt and stuff, but if that’s the only way to make people help, so be it. Patty… Patty admits that her treatment of Rickie is unfair. It shouldn’t make a difference. He’s a kid, he is clearly desperate, he clearly needs help, even if giving that help would mean crossing comfort zones or those bloody lines that we draw about everything – when do you decide that something concerns you, that you can’t just be the passive onlooker? What makes the difference between just feeling this detached concern that generally comes with watching disconcerting news stories about tragic things happening to people, far away, and deciding that something concerns you personally and requires some kind of intervention? So what the episode does is put Patty into the position of emphasizing with Rickie. She goes to the police station and sees the pictures of the homeless teens. She is confronted by the idea that Angela could be that kid, first in theory, then in practice when Angela does disappear. She is guided by that mysterious girl on her journey, that girl who will probably work on her song for eternity, the girl who froze to death. 

The other side of the story is Rickie’s. He doesn’t want to depend on the kindness of strangers, even though he is the kindest person himself. He is reluctant to ask for help from those who are reluctant to offer it.  

Patty and Graham realize how serious the situation is when they overhear a conversation between Angela and Brian – she explains to him that Brian is beaten up at home, that he is now living at a warehouse and – what seems to be the most shocking thing for her to realize – that “they’re like us, […] like you forget that there’s any difference between you”. Even then, Patty’s first thought isn’t that Rickie may be in danger, but that Angela might have been just visiting there. They go to the police station to “do something” – and suddenly, this personal story becomes one about a systemic, political issue: all those pictures of missing kids on the wall, and there is nothing being done. 

Patty: What exactly will happen?

Police: Depends on the circumstances. Is this kid a runaway or a throwaway?

Graham: A throwaway?

Police: See, a runaway leaves home of his own volition. A throwaway, a push out… is pushed out.

Patty: Oh, my God.

Police: Look. First off, every effort is made to restore…

Graham: Patty, we should go.

Police: Thanks for being good citizens. You got a daughter, you said?

Patty: Yes.

Police: You keep her close, okay?

Patty: Okay.

Police: Merry Christmas.

A throwaway. I think ultimately Angela’s argument that this might as well be her is flawed (it is exactly the kind of thing she WOULD say, though) – but the argument leads to a fight, “one of those fights where it seems like the fight is having you” – exactly the thing that the girl claims drove her from home later on. This idea that it only “takes a toss of the dice” for Angela to be in the same situation… I think what bothers me most about this argument and how it is used in the episode is that it takes THIS to make Patty realize she needs to help Rickie, that she needs to think of Rickie’s situation as something that could happen to her own daughter, when she should actually just help him because he is a kid and he is in desperate need of help and in an absolutely horrible situation that nobody should ever be in. She should help Rickie because she CAN help him, without much effort even. And it bothers me... because it's entirely realistic and believable. 

Not that I don’t appreciate the cathartic moment at the end, when they all do end up in church, even though in a very different manner than Patty originally wanted, and Rickie becomes part of their family, at least for a moment

Random notes: 

You can read more about the issue of LGBT youth homelessness here. 

Danielle: Do we have to keep talking about religion? It's Christmas.

I really liked the whole background story of Graham not really willing to admit that he isn’t religious anymore (and the hints that his Catholic upbringing may have something to do with it). 

In terms of gut-wrenching moments, this was early into the episode: 

Rayanne: Rickie has this like tendency to get beat up, and he doesn't always love talking about it.

This moment… because Rayanne talks about this like she takes it for granted. She knows exactly what is happening to Rickie – he gets beat up by the people that are meant to take care of him, not for defying them but for being himself – and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Later, when Angela is worried about Rickie because he didn’t show up in school, Rayanne tells her that she “can't like be responsible for the whole world.” In a way, all these small things that Rayanne does and says in this episode throw a shadow over her character for the next episodes. She is supposed to care about Rickie – at least – as much as Angela does. They’ve been friends forever. Rickie is more concerned about her than about anyone else in his life. And yet, Rayanne never grasps the gravity of the situation or understands that things have gotten so bad that she can’t just pass it off as something that “just happens” to Rickie (which is a horrible thought anyway, this complacency). 

Completely unrelated to the serious tone of the episode, this continues what I can’t help but call “the great romance” between Sharon Cherski and Rayanne Graff. I would ship the hell out of them if MSCL hadn’t ended 16 years ago. 

Rayanne: I don't know, just - making depressed people talk to someone like you. Couldn't that like push them over the edge?

Sharon: Over the edge. That's like your address, right?

I like this entire subplot: Brian dropping out of the helpline thing with Sharon, subtly displaying all the symptoms of depression that she describes (“like total hopelessness and despair and like, loss of appetite”) without her realizing it, and Rayanne accidentally ending up at the helpline, eventually saving Brian from his Christmas funk with the prank sex-line call (it’s the only way Rayanne knows to help, but it’s effective! – “think of it this way, Steve. You still feel like crying?”). 

Sharon: I mean, how do I get myself into these situations?

Rayanne: Wild guess. Stupidity?

Sharon: No, no, you're right. because I do it over and over again. I am so overextended. I mean, besides the help line, I have this whole holiday basket thing I said I'd make for this nursing home, plus I have like two million presents to wrap, not to mention the fifty thousand social events I said I'd go to, and… I have to say, you're a pretty good listener.

Rayanne: Well, I should be. Spent my whole life listening to my mom rag about her problems, of which she has, like many. Now to top it all off she's got a low-life sex maniac boyfriend like staying with us. You know it's gotten to the point, I just can't handle it. I may just as well go be somewhere else for Christmas. Like they'd notice. 

Sharon: I know where you could be on Christmas.

Patty: You will not believe what Bernice and Bob Krakow did.

Graham: Oh, I know, but just that once, right? To make Brian?

Jordan reveals that he has an abusive father but he stopped beating him after Jordan threw a chair at him. I also like the unlikeliness of Jordan being the one person who helps Rickie and empathizes with him.