Tuesday 17 July 2007

bla bla bla blllllllaaaa

The fact that I passed both of the exams has nothing to do with my knowledge or my intellectual capacity: it merely reflects on the quality of the Department, which is sad, because years ago I had "a lot of potential", and now I don't, and I am really not sure how that makes me feel, because while I am secretly competitive and proud of trying to make a living with something humanistic, I also always feel like standing on the edge - and just waiting to jump off, leaving any kind of convention behind me. I am schizophrenic about that. There is no way that I'll ever make a living with something conventional. I've known that since I was 5 or 6, and somehow, the phase where you are supposed to realize that life is something very, very boring and pre-destined to a certain extent, went by without leaving any traces. I am 20. Is it OK not to know what you are going to do with the rest of your life? And at the same time, I am so fucking conscious of the fact that I am privileged to even think about all this stuff because of the money my father makes.
I feel so...anachronistic.

That was a sentence in the novel I started before April 2. "I hope that the apocalypse comes before I run out of money". Oh well.

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