In Love Forever - It was like a dream.

In Love Forever: 1x10.

I think that even if you hadn’t read the book, you would have seen the outcome of this devastating episode coming, felt the inevitability of the ending, but what a way to get there! How much sadder, how much more soul-destroying, that Neen’s decision here is not the result of fighting, of growing apart, of all the obvious ways in which a relationship can fall apart over time. Instead, it’s the realisation that love is not enough in the face of the obstacle that Kingkamol poses. She will not stop, and no matter how much Runch loves Neen, how many times she chooses her, she cannot protect her from her own mother, who has shown herself capable of vicious violence in her attempts to claw back control over her daughter.

After Runch drops off her mother at her house, furious, reminding her that the only thing that used to keep her safe from Neen’s family’s influence was Runch’s protection, which she has now withdrawn, and drives Neen to her parents’ house, they are both left on their own to consider what will happen next. The difference is that Neen falls back into the safe and supportive nest of her parents and brother, while Runch returns to an empty house, with nobody to share her burden with, left to wait for whatever Neen decides, and I think, deep down, already expecting the worst. It’s all in how different Neen’s reaction is this time: where she used to be furious and loud whenever facing Kingkamol’s insults, she is now quiet, hurt in a way where she can’t even look at Runch anymore, who may have done all she could to protect her but still couldn’t prevent any of this. She asks her family not to blame Runch but even her mother finds it hard at this stage not to: they brought up their daughter with love and care, and her marriage to Runch has caused this harm. They entrusted her safety to Runch, but Kingkamol attacked her in a public place. The marks are still visible on her face and arm, the shock of the sudden attack has shaken her to the core, and her father is urging her to divorce because it’s the only way he can think to protect her. Her brother is trying to suppress the footage of the incident but doesn’t know yet that it was Att who has set everything in motion, creating a scandal to tarnish Runch.

The first half of the episode is Neen working through her feelings, her pain and hurt: she talks to her parents and her brother, she tries to explain to her mother what she is going through, but I think ultimately, she has already made up her mind and she is just coming to terms with that decision. She tells her mother that the last weeks with Runch, when they made up, when they decided not to divorce, felt like a dream, like when they were newly married, but she has now realised that it was just a dream, a reprieve from reality that inevitably had to end. Meanwhile Runch sits at home and waits for a phone call or a message, hopes that things can still be fixed but suspects they can’t, trapped in complete loneliness and isolation in that big house, robbed of all agency by the actions of her mother who was “hurting someone and called it love”.

Runch: I can’t eat. I miss you too much. I want you to come home.
Neen: Please give me some time, Runch.
Runch: Okay, I understand. I can wait. No matter how long it’ll take, I’ll wait for you.

Neen is replaying their happy memories in her head – you could imagine, if you wanted to, that the reel in her head would look similar to the post-credit scenes we’ve witnessed throughout the show, all of their happiness with none of the sadness mixed in that always came from outside influences. She tells her father that she wants to hold off on a lawsuit against Kingkamol for now because any outcome would ultimately hurt Runch the most: seeing her mother convicted, being seen as a bad daughter again in the public eye. When she is ready in her head, when she has already made her decision, she says “I don’t want her last memory of us to be me suing her mother”. She says that she thinks that Runch is miserable with her but what I reminded myself of is that Neen never witnessed the conversation Runch had with her mother when she made it clear that they would only see each other in case of illness or death: I don’t think Neen knows how firmly Runch has chosen her, that all the worries that Neen has about Runch feeling like a bad daughter for choosing her don’t take into account that Runch has already made that decision for herself and was willing to stick with it. Even now, Neen underestimates how much Runch loves her, and even now, they are making decisions for each other without talking them through with each other, making assumptions instead of seeking clarity. It’s brave and selfless of Neen to try and protect Runch in that way, but even later, in the most devastating scene of the episode, she tells Runch to go back to being a daughter to her mother and misunderstands that Runch needs to break from that relationship not just to save her marriage, but for herself and her own happiness. I think to an extent that’s unthinkable for Neen, who was raised with so much love and support and care, and it’s very tragic misunderstanding right in the centre of their relationship.

And there’s also the contrast of Neen saying that she believes “it may be rough for a while after we break up but if she can through it, she might be happier than when she’s with me”: because at the same time we see Runch haunting her own house like a ghost, seeing traces of Neen everywhere, mourning her already although their separation for now is temporary, reaching out for her in their shared bed and finding the spot next to her empty and looking at the two toothbrushes with so much longing and hurt and still making two cups of coffee automatically. We’ll never know what was going on in her head before she met Neen, only how she talked about it in snippets, but I think it’s clear that Neen was a lifeline for her, that she had never been as happy as she was in that tiny moment when she shared the news with her mother, before it started dawning on her that her mother’s love was conditional. The idea that she could be more happy without Neen or that it would make her life easier to return to her mother is horrifyingly wrong.

All of this: the misunderstanding, the uneven footing, the fact that we know what Neen doesn’t seem to, that Runch will never get over this, culminates in this heartbreaking scene. Neen comes home and Runch thinks there is hope but Neen knows that there isn’t. Runch is hopeful and happy to have her wife back in their house and Neen is close to tears the entire time because she has made up her mind. She is trying to be kind and gentle: they are not divorcing because they do not love each other anymore. She spent the first half of the show thinking that Runch had asked her for a divorce because she did not love her anymore, so in this conversation, she is making it as clear as she can that she loves Runch. She’s ordered her favourite food. She talks about their relationship with so much fondness and love that Runch doesn’t even realise what is happening until she says the words. It’s almost worse, I think, than if it had happened during a fight, because there is no way of countering the idea that love alone isn’t enough: they’ve tried everything, and it is not enough. 

Neen: I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. I fell in love with your beauty and your smile. My heart beat so fast, I felt like it was going to burst through my chest.
Runch: Me too. Your smile and your cheerful vibe, got me dreaming every night that I’d get to see you every day. And then that dream came true. We got married. And now we’re living together. We get to see each other’s faces every day. I love you, Neen. I love you so much.
Neen: I love you too. I love you the most.
I want a divorce.
Thank you for trying everything. I always knew you didn’t want any of those terrible things to happen. You had nothing to do with them. And I know you’ve been trying to save our marriage.
Runch: Whatever you’re thinking, or feeling right now, can you tell me about it?
Neen: I just don’t want my love to keep hurting you anymore.
Runch: That’s not true. It never did. Your love never hurt me, Neen.
Neen: Runch, it’s time to stop. You need to accept that no matter how hard we try, we cannot escape the shadow of your mother. I’ll give your mother what she wants. You can go back to being her daughter now. Let me do this one last thing for you.
Runch: No matter what I say right now, I can’t change your mind, can I?
Neen: No.
Runch: Okay. I understand now. Thank you for putting up with all of it for me.

Runch is still wiping Neen’s tears throughout this conversation. Her entire world is collapsing around her, all her hopes are dashed, the future she imagined for both of them is wiped away, and her first instinct is still to dry her tears! What can you even say? She can’t argue back or try to save the moment: it’s clear that Neen has made up her mind, that she’s leaving.
From this, Runch spirals. She wakes up and finds Neen in the kitchen making breakfast for her and Neen says “I’ll always be with you, right there in your heart” before dissolving right in front of her eyes, before she wakes up again in the empty bed and realises it was just a dream and that the worst has happened: always those little moments before fully becoming conscious before your thoughts and memories catch up with you. She races through the house, searching, but Neen is not there. It’s a cycle of grief and incomprehension and there is nobody there to support her because Neen was her one person, and now she is gone – she is now a ghost in her heart, haunting her.

And the perfection of the post-coda scene, which have gone from the sweetness of showing their relationship without the burden of Kingkamol to the bitter reminder of what they now have already lost: all those broken promises of forever (“can you be my happiness and mine alone”), of walking hand in hand, of overcoming the scariness together. The way that Neen felt like a different woman through the eyes of someone who loved her but forgot that the same was true of Runch, and what it would mean for her to lose being seen by Neen. 

Random notes:

The music choices in the episode are so good, especially the string music used in the opening.

It is satisfying to see Att finally pay for his crimes when P’Nai fires him personally, but it’s clear from his reaction that his fury won’t stop here, and that it’s now a personal grudge he holds against Neen’s family: and how cruel is it that he tells Runch he wishes for her to never be loved again, to be alone, in an episode where she loses everything, making his curse seemingly come true.

This show! Runch’s life is so miserable it’s almost comical in its despair. The special occasion is divorce! JFC. The ACTING in this episode.